The Best Worst Thing that ever Happened to Me
When I was 19, my first boyfriend ever broke up with me...after a week...over the phone. I know- I KNOW. Needless to say, I felt like the world was ending. I was absolutely devastated. He was my first everything. And I felt like dirt. I was lying in bed, trying to cry myself to sleep for the 5th night in a row, when all of a sudden these words and this melody came into my head from seemingly out of nowhere. I sat up and recorded it on my phone before falling asleep. The very next day, I got up, went to my piano and wrote a whole song in 10 minutes. The first song I ever wrote to completion was born- "Best Worst Thing".
It was then that I discovered the therapeutic power of songwriting. Trust me, I never knew in that moment that I would ever record it and release it AND actually believe the words I was singing. But the more I sang, the more I let the words fall from my mouth and hit the keys, the more confident I felt in them. Who would have thought that simply manifesting ideas into existence would actually make them come true?
The song has grown to have a dual meaning for me. On one hand, the song is about someone who brought you the worst in life but you turned out better for it because of the lessons it taught you and the strength you found within yourself. It's about romantic love but the principle can be applied to a range of situations. To this day, if ever I feel down or like something isn't going to plan or if something already hasn't worked out, in any aspect of my life- personal and/or professional, I always think back to that 19yr old girl who wrote an accepting positive song and did a complete 360 on her perspective on a situation. If she can do it, surely I can.
On the other hand, it's actually just catchy song. The first song I wrote that I felt was actually a decent tune. I've received a lot of feedback on my debut album, "DreamS". Some negative, some positive. But this song has been almost unanimously well liked. Choosing to be a writer has many pros and cons. Choosing to be an artist has been the best worst decision of my life to date. When people relate or connect to your material, it's the most satisfying feeling and one of the reasons why I write. Another is simply to get it out so I don't go crazy. But it can also be an extremely isolating experience. I'm second guessing every decision I make, swallowing my pride and anxiety and having to learn to let go of my doubts and leave my musical babies to grow up in a society where they can be both loved and hated.
Now you may think that just because I wrote my first song so easily that it's always like that. WRONG. It happens differently every time. I've written a few songs quickly when my thoughts have been so clear that they basically write themselves. When my ideas are scrambled, it can be like wading through muddy water. I've literally spent months agonising over poetry and sounds, trying to attain any sense of musical magic. Trying to better myself every time or at least hit the same level as previous compositions. I often get frustrated and angry along the way and most are still on the cutting room floor where many will never see the light of day.
As I grow, my music evolved with me and I find that certain songs are indicative of certain chapters in my life. Even if I don't believe it now, it was once my truth and that in itself is meaning enough. The next group of songs that I'm planning to release is one such chapter of my life. From about 2 years ago. As someone who tends to shy away from the spotlight, I've really chosen the best field to have a private life. (That was sarcasm). I've always struggled to find the balance between sharing my stories and oversharing, being honest about my feelings and revealing too much of myself. But the power of the artist is her voice and her truth. And I would be doing a disservice to myself and the world and even to the people that I am writing to/about, if I'm not being completely me.
So get ready for my next chapter, written in my own words, the world seen through my own imperfect lens. The best worst one yet. Full of love and lust. Friendship and betrayal. Vulnerability and strength. Losing and finding. Holding on and letting go.
It's truly a rollercoaster, but damn do I love the ride.